Perfect Nonsense

I've decided to get a new journal.
This one is filled with almost 4 1/2 years of my history and I'm simply ready to move past these past few years. I think I have changed and developed for the better and am ready to try the 'new slate' process again.

Most of you don't have time/interest in my journal anyway, so I have a feeling this won't effect many people. I also feel like my journal is something important to me and that if people don't actively take interest in trying to keep up with my life... having them as a 'friend' here doesn't really make a difference. Perhaps after setting up my new journal I will renew ties from this realm of friends, otherwise I'm not sure who will read it. I honestly don't mind anymore if anyone reads it because I accepted that people are much too busy trying to juggle their own lives to update/read their friends' posts. I suppose I will consider making my journal completely private if no one cares to read, otherwise I'll have creepers watchin' my page, ha.

So... farewell LJ journal #2.

It has been quite some time since I have posted here, though I have actually been checking-in once and awhile to see how everyone else is doing. It doesn’t surprise me that everyone seems to be drifting away from LJ. We can’t help it, we all actually have busy lives now, haha. But yea, I think I might start using LJ again, though it has seriously been about 6 months since I last posted a public post. That’s such an odd concept to me.

I reread a lot of my old posts. I’m talking like pre 16 years old posts, and OH MY GOSH. As my status stats on FB, ‘reading old journal posts showed me that: 1. my life has always been hectic; and 2. I have come a longgggg way.’ It was actually a long time ago that we all got into livejournal, can you believe it? And to watch our infiltration of Myspace… followed eventually by Facebook… we’ve certainly left our history and mark on the internet, haha.

I still can’t get over what I was like back then. I feel so much more mature, though of course no one is perfect. I have recapped my past into a string of words surrounding ‘depressed’, and am glad that my life has turned around from that depressed state to a more realistic point of view. I’m definitely trying to embrace life now, and am much more thankful for what I have. I suppose it takes looking back to remember who you are [and yea, my memory is still shit].

            I’m in college now. Now I’m a slightly lost 20 year old, not a completely drowning 15 year old. Human lives are so interesting, so intricate, and irreplaceable. I thanked someone really important to me today for essentially saving my life during my younger years. I don’t think they realized how much they did for me, nor how much I was hopelessly lost. I realize that I’m not sure if I was capable of pulling through that without this person. I’m glad I had them, and hope that despite the way things seem, I will always have them. If not… everyone’s lives move on and I wish them the best all the same.

It’s been years since I thought I could keep everyone with me through thick and thin, and perhaps moving has proven to stomp out a few older ties. But then again, maybe what we believed to be there so long ago is still a tiny flicker of a flame, waiting to be rekindled. You never know.

Well, besides all of the reminiscing, here’s my life now:

1.      I go to college.

Major: English Minor: Secondary Education Concentration: Creative Writing.

I’m currently a second-semester semester and am content with school life right now, though have honestly been considering switching my major and/or schools all together. Not sure if a school of only 2,000 students can satisfy my preferences.

2.      Family

Believe it or not… I actually get along with my family now than I ever have before. Mom and I actually talk like adults. After my 1^st year of college, I magically became an adult in her eyes. Win. Dave and I hardly ever fight, though in reality we hardly see each other anymore with me being in college. I’m not gonna lie, I took him to a party over my Winter Break and it was very strange to see how far we’ve come. He really is a great guy and I’m SO proud of him.

I never get to talk with Stacie and Jamie, though I’m sure all three of our lives are super busy right now and I’m not sure any of us are fond of phones. Also, I will admit it may be a little awkward to talk now because we are seriously out of the loop about each other’s lives and the few times we have seen each other over the past few years have been over-shadowed by our past family history. Slowly though, slowly I plan to repair ties with myself and my family. For once, I’ve found that I actually really care about the outcome of our family. No longer do I plan on ignoring/moving on without them. [What a silly, selfish thought of my teenage years]

3.      I am single

I guess this really isn’t a big deal, but it seems to come up when people are catching-up, so I figured I would mention it. I am in an interesting stage of my life where I don’t mind being single, but would prefer a stable relationship. I’m still picky [and still have bad taste :P half-kidding, haha] but all-in-all I’m still trying to decide if I’m ready for a real relationship. I know I’ve always been the ‘get interested easy, get let down quickly’ type, so I’ve tended to fear relationships more than pursue them.

I’ve been single since last February, so that’s actually a good thing I suppose; but at the same time, that doesn’t count the half dozen guys I’ve tried to ‘see’ since then. I know I’m terrible about this kind of thing, and am probably not exactly girlfriend material, but eh... I know that when I find someone that can put up with my ass and I’m into them, things could work out :P

** Well on that note, I’m about to miss dinner in the school commons, so I better skedaddle. I hope to update again soon, though I’m not actually sure anyone else uses this anymore, ha. Either way, at least I’ll have a record for myself. Adios.

 

Here’s a summary of what was missed:
A. I’m going back to school at Roanoke in the fall. I’ll have 2 jobs:

1. Just for 2 weeks I will get training and then lead a group of freshman around the campus etc for their orientation.
2. For the rest of the year I will work a couple hours a week, promoting service projects and recruiting volunteers. Basically I will put in a bit more work into this kind of stuff than I did last year and actually get paid for it. 

My layout for the next 3 yrs is going to be based on: Major-English, Minor-Secondary Education and Concentration-Creative Writing. I want to be an English teacher at the high school level, maybe even pick up some electives like creative writing, drama, and/or speech. Perhaps I will even be able to coach a sport like soccer, or help out with a club. 

B. Mom and are doing well. We haven’t fought. I got my license. I’m working a job that she helped me get working as a leader at a summer rec program for elementary kids. 

C. I got to take a week trip to NY and it was awesome. I missed everyone so much before, and had worried that this would be my last trip. It had been over a year and I was worried that I wouldn’t have people worth visiting because we would have grown too far a part. Luckily, there are still a few special people that are definitely worth it. I stayed at Jay’s, big mistake. I’ve finally realized that he isn’t worth my time and that I no longer need to put effort into our friendship. I have noticed a gap [obviously] between some of my old friends and of course between me and all of them. All in all I only really consider 3 people in NY my best friends: Manda, Tomi, and Brian. 

D. I think I have a strange effect on people. 3 people, to my knowledge, have a thing for me right now… 

1. Cody. He lives here in VA. We dated twice before. He is going to the army. I used to think I loved him, but really we have both changed and if I ever loved him, it was the idea of what we were when we last dated. Verdict: not going to happen.
2. Josh. He lives here in VA. We dated once before. We grew up together and he knows me well. He is at a standstill part of his life, not really sure where he wants to take it. I think I love him because he loves me. I’m both glad and sad because I’m the only person he can be close to and open up to. It makes things extra complicated. Verdict: I don’t know what to do, when I leave for college it would make us long-distance. We’ll have to see, but chances are I will try to stay away so that we don’t make things complicated.
3. Brian. He lives in NY. We’ve never dated, but would have if I hadn’t left NY. I don’t know how, but we’re just drawn to each other. We’ve always liked each other, but when it comes to being states away, what can you do? He’s a great guy with a soft inside. Verdict: I don’t know what to think. We live far away, I don’t do long-distance. Maybe one day Brian.

Of course there are a some other random details that covered the past few months, but this is about it…

I cannot wait for the morning that I wake up and don’t think about Phil.
I cannot wait for the afternoon that passes without a thought of Phil.
I cannot wait for the night where I can lay down to sleep and not think about Phil.
I cannot wait for the moment when I realize that the previous day was completely free of thoughts of him.
Then I will know for sure that I never really needed him and be able to move on peacefully.

Just for the record:

Phil broke up with me today, making the count only: 3 months and 19 days.

And I just thought I was getting back on my feet…
Really sudden, and apparently it's one of those "I like you, but not enough" ordeals...
So now he walks away and I hold myself together until this passes...
Heh, I mean facebook makes everything official, right?
[That's my stab at humor by the way]

So… mom just got out of surgery and may be going back into surgery again.

Basically she was swimming one night, but stopped because her arm was killing her. The next morning her arm had turned blue and so she went to the hospital to check it out. Turns out she had some serious blood clots near her collar bone and that damage had been done to her veins from previous injuries she withstood while she was younger. As to date she has had a surgery to remove her top rib to look at her vein closer and the vein’s damage clotted most of her arm.

She has to go back to the doctor, but if the vein isn’t working properly after whatever it is tat they did to ‘correct’ it, then they will have to remove a vein from her leg in order to replace the one in her arm. She says tat apparently the one from her leg won’t cause damage to her leg so that won’t be a problem. At this point she is out of school, and has been going through this whole procedure since early January. I found out late last week, so yea.

Anyway, she can’t teach right now [her job] and she sleeps for about 12 hrs straight, then gets out of bed for about 2hrs and then has to take a nap again. She isn’t allowed to do strenuous activity. I think Steve is there with her now, and I may go visit her this Saturday with David. If I am able to make the trip it’ll be an all day thing to see both mom, my grandma [healthy], and my Aunt Danielle who just got out of her breast cancer surgery.

I almost don’t want to go. As cruel as that sounds I just don’t know any of these people that well and I don’t know what the appropriate way to act is… But I do want to support them in the only way I can. So I will go if David drives [I still don’t have my license]. I will see them and I will wish them well.

So I've basically come to the conclusion that this blog is useless.
I've also realized that NY will never be the same for me.
There is no one left that I can call a best friend anymore, from any state, in any place.

Also, as my memory fades [I've often explained the 2yr max issue], NY is leaving me for good. All the people I knew and trusted, grew close to and became entwined with... they are disappearing. I regret to say I fear the inevitable erase of my NY times…

So this leads me to something more: should I even bother to visit anymore? It’s been over a year, it’s been far too long to believe that none of us have changed. I want to believe that this fact doesn’t matter, that the people I cared for I will continue to care for. What’s more is I just need to know, just NEED to know, is there a place on hold for me there? In NY? In Broadway?  Will my time away erase me from them, and will my memory erase them from me? It is sad, but something to be considered.

UNLESS we preserve it, cherish it, and hold it. I want to believe, I want to believe.

My home is here now, in college, on a campus where I have a few decent friends and a sudden realization that my life is so meaningless. At this stage I feel useless and down, something that reminds me of an old self that I loathed. I really don’t want to reverse back to that kind of person and so I ask myself… do I belong somewhere?

Oh yea, random bit of information. Last weekend, I had my first ‘drink’.

I know that may sound kinda silly, but I was straight edge for the longest while. Apparently, I am now ok with getting tipsy. And I mean comparatively getting tipsy is no where close to getting roaring drunk, so I guess its ok. But at the same time I think of the whole ‘you can’t define sin on other people’ sort of idea, where my drink-just-a-little attitude can’t be justified as ‘ok’. So I still don’t know how I feel about it…

On one hand I’ve ALWAYS frowned on drinking. I use to pick on my friends, avoid people, and avoid parties because of alcohol and other stuff. You know? I mean a lot of my friends don’t have to think twice before saying that I don’t drink, it just wasn’t me. But is it now? Is drinking in moderation ok? Do I need alcohol to have a good time? I don’t think I need it to have a good time, I really think I’m good either way. But it may be better to be tipsy at the apartment when everyone else is drinking mainly because it would keep me from becoming annoyed/bored with them, you know?

So am I ok with this? I feel as though I’ll do it again, just drink a little. Will it escalate? I’m not sure, I hope not. I’ve had to take a care of a few drunken people and I would never want to be that person. Do I plan on partying? I don’t think so, at least not hardcore shit. I don’t want to be surrounded by sweaty drunk people with sex and drugs on their minds in a packed room with barely any lighting. If I get that far, feel free to intervene. And I have Phil to watch over me, and we’ve agreed it would be best to bring each other if we go out to a party.

See Phil doesn’t drink much either, he is the casual beer sort of guy. But then again last weekend he drank more then he had in years. He wasn’t obscene or anything, but he made me a little edgy. I TRUST him, he wasn’t that far gone, but I was super conscious of the way we interacted because we had been drinking. I really don’t feel as though I was that messed up. Moving on, I figure I’ve led myself into the world of alcohol and am now allowing myself to get tipsy if I’m around others who are drinking in a safe environment. Haha, that sounds so lame.

But eh, who thought the day would come when I drank? I almost thought I’d hold out ‘til I was 21. God, don’t tell my mother, hahaha.

 

Phil has offered for me to stay at his house for a week over break. If his parents say yes, should I go? I mean they have only met me once and they don’t remember it and it may be awkward, but I think it would be fun. At the same time that puts a lot of pressure on me to be an acceptable gf, haha. Should I go?

It appears that my naive dream of going to NY for a month failed miserably, followed by a hopeful push to make it up for at least week.

I guess this year was just too busy, I hate to say it but I don't think I will be making an appearance in NY this year.